So where exactly am I?

Originally posted: Jun 13, 2006 on MySpace

Sometimes its hard to figure out where I stand...

I mentioned before about breaking up with Megan, but now I think I need to extrapolate if, for nothing else, just to try and get my position straight. The break up was no surprise, in fact it was an almost exact mirror of a conversation we had had over Thanksgiving when she had just returned from Iraq. The short version went something like:
- We've been 'going out' for almost 2 years but had only ever spent a total of maybe 3 or 4 weeks worth of time together during them.
- When we're together, things are fine, but the longer we're apart, the less interested she is.
- We (I in particular) can't afford to fly across the country to visit as often as either of us would like.

While this makes a very difficult relationship, we decided to keep at it a while longer now that she was back in the country and see how well we could make it now that we'd be able to visit, talk, and IM more often than when she was stationed overseas. It worked pretty well: we got a couple good weekends in, we're both T-Mobile subscribers, so we can talk to each other for free, and now that she was only 2 hours ahead of me instead of 9, I could talk and chat with her at reasonable hours for both of us.

However, fast forward about six months and we're still on the same boat. I'm always at the computer at work or at home, but her interest in signing onto a messenger program fades. Our phone calls dwindle day by day as we don't always have enough to talk about to warrant more than a few minutes of dialogue (neither of us can fully disclose what we do at work, nor is the other more than passingly interested in the first place). Its even more difficult that our hobbies don't exactly overlap when she's trying to tell me about Brokeback Mountain and I'm trying to explain Kingdom Hearts. Then, of course, I don't know about her finances (though I suspect they're getting tight as she just bought a house), but my own debt is starting to go back into the negatives as I'm still scrambling to pay off the past few months worth of trips and tickets. So, yeah, when she was sick and miserable and irritable the other weekend, I'm not surprised it was finally time to have this conversation again.

Now the thing is, though we've officially broken up, we're now back to talking and IMing more often than we had been in the couple months previous. This could be the result of our recent visit, so once again her she's thinking of me more often before her interest fades after more time apart. It may be a similar circumstance to my situation living with Maria where our relationship had ended some time before we officially called it off, so when we finally did put it to bed we could be that much closer and more open as friends. Or maybe Megan is having second thoughts when actually faced with the prospect of losing me and is making an extra effort. I have a lot of trouble guessing what the case may be, particularly when I'm guilty of similar ambivalence. I understand that we're a hard pressed match, but I'm not exactly anxious to let her go, either. Then again, is my heart really in it for the long hard road she and I are inevitably going to have to face to stay together? Together we fit, and rather well, I might say, but apart, our lives seem wholly incompatible.

This is most definitely a 'follow my heart' situation, but what do I do when my heart is looking at me like, "wtf?" I guess I just wanted to think things through. If you read this far, I appriciate your interest in my love life! Wish I had some cooler stuff to share. We'll see about that next week. I think I'm finally tired enough to head back to bed. G'night.